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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28265127">but at least tonight we'll still pretend (hold each other close like its not the end)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohallows/pseuds/ohallows'>ohallows</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Rusty Quill Gaming (Podcast)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>(but are pretending), (except they were together already and now aren't), Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fights, Holidays, M/M, Meet-Cute, Post-Break Up</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 20:47:39</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>15,436</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28265127</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohallows/pseuds/ohallows</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>He turns to look at Hamid; snow is falling all around them in massive snowflakes, catching on his scarf and eyelashes and in his hair, and for a moment, Zolf almost leans down to kiss them away. Instead, he presses his lips together tightly and digs his nails into his palm.<br/>“You ready to go?” he says, because maybe if he pretends hard enough, he can be just as unaffected by this as Hamid seems to be.<br/>“Yes. Are you ready?” Hamid asks, and Zolf swallows.<br/>“Sure,” he says, less convincing than he wants it to be. He’s never been as good as putting on a mask as Hamid is.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Azu/Kiko (Rusty Quill Gaming), Commander James Barnes/Celiquillithon "Cel" Sidebottom, Hamid Saleh Haroun al-Tahan/Zolf Smith</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>31</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. both of us will take this hand</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>okay so. this has been a long time coming! it is. completely based on an *old* merlin au i read a long time ago called ‘the good times are killing me’ and i’ve literally been thinking abt it with these two for like. a year now probably. figured it was time to bite the bullet and finally write it up lmao</p><p>also i genuinely don’t think the OG fic exists anymore outside of kmm, but I do have a pdf of it fbkdnekndkddn. anyway that fic had. a bit more unhealthy jealousy, antagonism, invasive friends, and genuinely harmful miscommunication than i was a fan of SO i’ve given it. a very me twist, if i’m being honest. have fun!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Hamid is late. Hamid’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>always </span>
  </em>
  <span>late, of course, because it’s fashionable and because he always gets bogged down in choosing what to wear and doing his makeup. Zolf used to joke that all of their lives (and timetables) would be better if Hamid had magic and could just poof the makeup onto his face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Zolf taps his fingers on his leg as he sits on the sofa, staring out the window at the snow that's falling outside. It’s pretty; snow usually isn’t, and he hates how the ice mucks about with his prosthetic, but when it gets this close to the holidays, something about it feels a bit more magical. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think this is a bad idea,” Feryn says from the kitchen doorway, and Zolf sighs and runs a hand down his face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know,” he says. Feryn’s made his displeasure quite clear over the past few days, but Zolf hadn’t known what else to do. </span>
  <em>
    <span>He </span>
  </em>
  <span>doesn’t really want to tell people either, but Feryn’s got it into his head that Hamid’s forcing Zolf into this. “It’s just one party, Feryn.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Feryn snorts. “Yeah, mate, you’d best make sure that’s all there is. I don’t want him dragging you along to event after event so you two can pretend to be a happy couple again.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>not </span>
  </em>
  <span>what’s happening,” Zolf says, but he’s too tired to argue about it with Feryn again. Feryn, gods bless him, seems to pick up on it. After a moment, he sighs and walks over to the sofa, sitting next to Zolf as he throws an arm around his shoulders. “I’m just worried about you,” he says, and Zolf leans into his side like they’re kids again. “I know how much it’s stressing you out, and I don’t want to watch you lie to your friends because Hamid doesn’t want to deal with being awkward and uncomfortable.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hamid isn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>making</span>
  </em>
  <span> me do anything,” Zolf reminds him. “I don’t want to ruin everyone’s holidays with it, and it’s just one party. After this, we’ll tell people.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Feryn looks like he wants to argue again, but instead, he just presses his lips together and shakes his head. “Better you than me, mate,” he says eventually, and Zolf ducks his head.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He should be here soon,” Zolf says, effectively ending the conversation as he double checks his watch. His shitty phone is on the fritz again, but he looks just to see if there’s anything from Hamid. At the rate this is going, they’ll be more than fashionably late to the party. Zolf wonders if Hamid planned it like this, or if he’s maybe sitting in their - </span>
  <em>
    <span>his </span>
  </em>
  <span>flat, just as conflicted about all of this as Zolf is.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The buzzer rings, and Zolf tells himself to stop being stupid. Feryn gets up and asks who it is - a familiar voice comes out from the speaker and Zolf swallows heavily while Feryn lets Hamid in.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m gonna go make dinner,” Feryn says stiffly. He pulls Zolf into a tight hug, clapping him on the back. “It’ll be okay, mate. Call me if you need, I’ll pretend I’m drowning in the bath or something. Give you a chance to escape.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Zolf smiles, but it’s weak. His heart is racing in his chest, and for a moment he second guesses all of this, considers just sending Hamid on without him, but they’d both agreed to this, and his stupid anxiety is just going to have to… well, </span>
  <em>
    <span>deal</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There’s a knock on the front door, and Zolf sighs and stands, stretching out his leg as he slightly adjusts his prosthetic. He anxiously smooths his hands down the front of his sweater and heads over, pulling the door open to reveal Hamid stood there, looking carefully neutral.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Zolf’s mouth dries up. Oh. He’d… he forgotten how good Hamid could look, when he wanted to. His sweater is a burnished brass color, matching the gold eyeliner that sweeps out from his eyes. He looks stunning, makeup done even nicer than usual, and it makes Zolf feel underdressed in his Hanukkah sweater and trousers. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you ready to go?” Hamid asks, and Zolf snaps back to reality. “The cabbie is waiting downstairs.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right. Yeah, yes, er - one second,” Zolf says, and grits his teeth at the quiet sigh Hamid gives. He grabs his wallet from the side table, tucks it into his trousers, and calls a goodbye to Feryn before pulling his coat on and wrapping a scarf around his neck. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hamid has a complicated look on his face when Zolf turns back around, and Zolf realises that he’s wearing the one Hamid gave him for a birthday gift last year. He almost takes it off to grab another, but wonders if that would be even </span>
  <em>
    <span>worse, </span>
  </em>
  <span>and then questions if it’s even an </span>
  <em>
    <span>issue, </span>
  </em>
  <span>because surely wearing Hamid’s gift would cement the whole illusion of them still being </span>
  <em>
    <span>together, </span>
  </em>
  <span>and -</span>
</p><p>
  <span>In the middle of all of his second guessing and agonising, Hamid turns around and starts to leave.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on, then,” he calls over his shoulder, and Zolf freezes, hands halfway up to his scarf. Shaking his head, he lets his hands fall, and follows Hamid out of the flat. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You look nice,” Hamid says, and Zolf stumbles. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks, er, you - you do, too,” he responds, stammering a bit. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They step outside of the building; it’s another cold night in London, but the street is lit up with lights and holiday decorations. Hamid opens the door of the cab and slides to the opposite side, letting Zolf clamber in after him. He gives the cabbie their destination, and the cab sets off down the crowded streets of London. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s not a terrible night, all things considered. It’s actually snowing, which gives things an almost magical feel; Zolf would definitely be grumpier if he were out in the cold, but driving down the street, hearing people cheering from pubs and taking photos with their friends in front of the different decorations, it’s… not bad. It at least provides a good distraction from the silence of the cab itself, save for the quiet music on the radio. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Once they get out of London, everything somehow becomes even more awkward. It’s going to be about 45 minutes to Cel and Barnes’ place; they live on the Thames, near Tilbury. It’s their turn to host the holiday party this year; last year, it had been Azu and Kiko, and the year before that, it had been Zolf and Hamid’s. Sasha is usually exempt from hosting, considering no one knows where she lives apart from Zolf, and Grizzop also gets a pass, due to having a small flat that he shares with Vesseek and barely has enough space for four of them, much less nine.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The cabbie is quiet in the front, not one for a chat, and Hamid is sat as far away from Zolf as he can in a quite small vehicle. Zolf doesn’t miss how he rests his head against the side of the window, closing his eyes. There’s a heavy layer of makeup under his eyes, and Zolf realises that it’s covering up bags that are deeper than he remembers. Hamid’s never needed this much makeup before. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He shouldn’t say anything. He knows he shouldn’t say anything, because saying </span>
  <em>
    <span>too much </span>
  </em>
  <span>is what got him into this mess in the first place. But Hamid looks so tired, and is so much more quiet and muted than normal, and they might not be together anymore but Zolf still cares about him. And, fuck it, he’s never been good at doing what he should, anyway. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you… okay?” Zolf asks, and kicks himself when it comes out as awkwardly as he feared.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hamid doesn’t respond for a second, and then he shifts, turning to face Zolf. “I’m fine,” he says, voice quiet, and looking at him head-on, this close? He looks </span>
  <em>
    <span>exhausted.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t look it,” Zolf says, and, </span>
  <em>
    <span>gods, </span>
  </em>
  <span>how was that </span>
  <em>
    <span>worse? </span>
  </em>
  <span>“I - that came out wrong, I just mean - I know the bank gets even more stressful around the holidays, so -“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Zolf,” Hamid cuts him off, and there’s no room for argument in his tone this time. He turns away again, leaning his head on his hand as he looks out the window. “It’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>fine</span>
  </em>
  <span>.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Normally, Zolf would argue. But Hamid’s jaw is clenching, and the air between them is already tense and awkward, and adding anything would just make it worse. So he settles back against the seat of the cab and stares out the window as it carries them outside of London and toward the coast. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They don’t speak for the rest of the car ride; it’s long and awkward, and the driver is playing Christmas music on the radio, and neither he nor Hamid even </span>
  <em>
    <span>celebrate </span>
  </em>
  <span>Christmas really, so it’s all just. Terrible. No one speaks, and Zolf clenches and unclenches his fists just for something to do.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gods. Maybe he should have listened to Feryn in the first place.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The ride eventually turns onto a familiar road, and Zolf sits up as he peers out the window to try and spot the house before they drive up to it. He doesn’t need to look for long - Cel and Barnes’ house is decorated to the nines, because of course it is. Neither of </span>
  <em>
    <span>them </span>
  </em>
  <span>even really celebrate Christmas either, but that seemingly hasn’t stopped Cel from putting up enough lights for the house to </span>
  <em>
    <span>literally </span>
  </em>
  <span>be a beacon from the road, even with how far back along the coast it is. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The driver pulls up in front of the door and kills the engine; Hamid pays the cabbie and gives him a heartfelt smile, and then they both exit with a quick thank you. He heads off pretty quick - there aren’t many fare opportunities this far outside of the city, so Zolf can’t begrudge him wanting to get back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s just as awkward outside the cab as it was inside. Zolf doesn’t know what to say, or if there’s even something he </span>
  <em>
    <span>should </span>
  </em>
  <span>say, but they should at least start walking up the drive to the house. He turns to look at Hamid; snow is falling all around them in massive snowflakes, catching on his scarf and eyelashes and in his hair, and for a moment, Zolf almost leans down to kiss them away. He presses his lips together tightly and digs his nails into his palm. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You ready to go?” he says instead, because maybe if he pretends hard enough, he can be just as unaffected by this as Hamid seems to be. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes. Are </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span> ready?” Hamid asks, and Zolf swallows.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sure,” he says, less convincing than he wants it to be. He’s never been as good as putting on a mask as Hamid is.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Zolf, if you don’t think you can pretend for a single night, then maybe we shouldn’t have come. We can pretend to be sick,” Hamid says, and there’s an edge of frustration in his voice that immediately sets Zolf on edge.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I said that I’d be fine,” he responds, </span>
  <em>
    <span>just</span>
  </em>
  <span> this side of snappy, and Hamid sighs. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fine,” he says.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fine,” Zolf says.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They walk up to the door together, and Hamid pauses before knocking.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can you please stop frowning?” he asks, and Zolf snorts.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’d be </span>
  <em>
    <span>more </span>
  </em>
  <span>out of character, love,” he says, putting a </span>
  <em>
    <span>heavy </span>
  </em>
  <span>emphasis on the last words, and it’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>so </span>
  </em>
  <span>stupid, but the frustration in Hamid’s eyes almost feels like a victory.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hamid takes a deep breath, rubbing his fingers against the bridge of his nose, and doesn’t say anything in return, although Zolf swears he can hear him muttering under his breath in Arabic. When Hamid looks back up, he has a smile on his face; it’s as fake as anything Zolf has seen, but it’ll fool everyone else, and with that, Hamid knocks on the door. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The few seconds of silence that follow are awkward and stilted, and the brief rush of control that Zolf had felt over the situation dissipates slowly, leaving him feeling even worse than ever. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, you two!” Cel says as they open the door. There’s a bright, wide grin on their face, and they’ve got an arm wrapped around Barnes’ waist. He waves at the two of them, looking a little less serious than normal. “We thought you wouldn’t make it. Not that we would </span>
  <em>
    <span>blame </span>
  </em>
  <span>you, of course, we understand getting </span>
  <em>
    <span>distracted,”</span>
  </em>
  <span> they say, with a wink, and Barnes just shakes his head fondly at their side. Zolf grimaces.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hamid laughs, shaking his head. “No, of course! You know me. It takes a while to put myself together for a party.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You look incredible!” Cel says, and pulls him into a hug. Hamid hugs them back, acting as though this is just another party, and then Cel turns to Zolf, giving him the same treatment.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Trying to be another lighthouse, Barnes?” Zolf teases, and Barnes laughs under his breath.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cel wanted to be a beacon,” he confesses, wrapping his arm back around their waist. “We had enough lights to make it -“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And I made some more, just to make it even brighter!” Cel adds, grinning at them. “Doesn’t it look amazing?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You definitely are a beacon,” Zolf says, dry, and Hamid swats him on the arm. It’s a bit harder than usual.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It looks lovely, Cel,” Hamid says, and Cel pokes Barnes in the chest. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“See! I told you it would look nice. We debated for so long over which lights to use, and then I wanted to try and create a more sustainable way to keep them lit - you’re welcome to stay over, by the way, and then I could show you the different solar panels we have put back in the morning when the sun’s up -“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come in, by the way,” Barnes says, and tugs Cel back while they keep chattering on about the solar panels. Hamid steps in first, followed closely by Zolf, and Zolf carefully closes the door behind him to keep the chill out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They take their shoes off, lining them neatly up along the mat next to the door. Zolf pulls his coat off and instinctively reaches out for Hamid’s as well. They both freeze for an instant, gazes flickering from the coat to Zolf’s hand to each other’s face, and what feels like minutes passes in what can’t be longer than a second. Hamid’s coat sits heavy in Zolf’s palm, and he ducks his face as he hangs them up in the closet near the door. Neither Cel nor Barnes seem to have noticed the awkward hesitation, and Zolf carefully wipes his face of anything but a faint smile before turning around. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Drinks, you two?” Barnes asks, and Hamid perks up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, a glass of wine would be lovely!” he says, and Zolf shakes his head.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nothing for me yet, but thanks.” Barnes inclines his head; he’s come a long way from mostly hating Hamid - or, more accurately, what he’d represented - when they’d first met. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, if you’re heading to the kitchen, could you get me some more eggnog?” Cel asks; Barnes nods, taking their empty glass. They beam and press a kiss to his temple before grabbing Zolf and Hamid by the hands and dragging them through the house. “Come on! Everyone will be so excited to see you two. It’s been a while since you’ve come out with us! I know you’re both busy, but </span>
  <em>
    <span>honestly, </span>
  </em>
  <span>I would have thought you’d have at least had a little time to spend with your friends. Oh! And I need to show you the newest thing I created too, don’t leave without letting me show you, okay, you -“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Everyone cheers as Cel finally leads them into the sitting room. The room itself is bright, with a hodgepodge of different holiday memorabilia sitting in different corners. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wow, you </span>
  <em>
    <span>really </span>
  </em>
  <span>went all out,” Zolf mutters, and Cel elbows him in the side. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t be </span>
  <em>
    <span>rude</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Zolf,” they say, which is quickly followed by a chorus of everyone else in the room agreeing with Cel. Zolf gives Sasha a betrayed look - of everyone, he thought that she would be on his side.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It seems like he and Hamid were the last ones to arrive. Azu and Kiko are sharing a loveseat in the corner, with Kiko sat on Azu’s lap while Azu’s arm rests over her thighs. They both look incredibly cozy. Sasha’s claimed the armchair in the corner, and Grizzop is on the couch. Vesseek is nowhere to be seen; they’re either somewhere else or they haven’t been able to make it, and Zolf hopes it’s the former. He actually gets on quite well with them, and it’s fun to watch them rile Grizzop up sometimes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hamid’s hand grabs his, and, wow, Zolf forgot how much of a human furnace he was. Still, he follows Hamid over to the couch, sitting down next to him and fielding questions about work, Feryn, and nearly everything else under the sun. The entire time, Hamid is a solid presence at his side, exuding a warmth that Zolf doesn’t think he’s entitled to anymore. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gods. This is going to be harder than he thought.</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Three years ago.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Zolf slouches down on the bench as he waits for the bus to arrive, tapping his foot aimlessly against the ground. It’s a typical overcast day in London, grey skies overhead, and he tilts his head back as he stares at the roof of the little bus waiting area. He glances at his watch; the bus should have been here a few minutes ago. There’s still enough time before his shift begins that he isn’t worried about being late, but it will be starting to push it soon. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He hears footsteps off to his left, and glances up, pulling his hat back a bit. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There’s someone standing there, just a bit away from him, and the stranger is worrying at his lip as he glances down at a paper in his hand and then back up. He seems to be glancing between the two buildings he’s stood in front of. He looks posh as anything, and Zolf wonders what he’s doing in this section of the city instead of palling about with the Oxbridge folk on the other side of town. Still, it’s nearly a pitiful sight; he doesn’t seem to have noticed Zolf at all, and he almost seems on the verge of tears as he takes half a step in one direction before hesitating, staring again between the buildings. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You lost, there?” Zolf calls over before he can second-guess himself, and the man whirls around in surprise. His eyes widen as he spots Zolf, and then he walks a bit closer, looking almost hopelessly confused.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh! Yes, hello, thank you, I’m afraid I - I’ve just graduated from my master’s program, you see, from Cambridge, and I’m - I - I don’t know this part of the city as well as I thought I did,” the man says, blushing a bit in embarrassment. “I’m - my new flat is meant to be somewhere around here, but I can’t seem to find the correct building. And my mobile is dead, so I can’t contact anyone or try to find it myself.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Zolf pushes off of the bench and rocks back and forth on his feet, awkwardly. The man is… well, very pretty, actually, and he tells his stupid heart to stop fluttering in his chest as he takes his hand out of his pocket. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mind showing me the name?” he asks, and the man hands over the piece of paper. He recognises the complex, and hands the paper back. He points behind himself. “Gonna be down this road. Make a right once you get to the end of this block, and then keep going. You’ll go past a few different buildings - used to be a salon there, before the city bought it out - and yours will be at the end. If you reach the light, you’ve gone too far. Make sense?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The man looks slightly doubtful, eyebrows pulling together in concern. “Down this road, make a… right? And then head to the end for my building. Is - is that right?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Got it in one,” Zolf says, and the man breathes a sigh of relief. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You have no idea how long I’ve been looking around,” the man confesses. “I didn’t think it would be that hard to find a single building, but first I got on the wrong tube line, and then got off at the wrong </span>
  <em>
    <span>stop, </span>
  </em>
  <span>and then I’d ended up halfway across the city with a dead mobile, and it’s just…” He takes a deep breath, closing his eyes for a moment as he runs at his temples. “Thank you. Truly. I… don’t know how much longer it would have taken me to find it without your help.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He looks so </span>
  <em>
    <span>earnest </span>
  </em>
  <span>when he glances up at Zolf, and Zolf is struck by how gorgeous his eyes are, a deep brown that shines.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t - don’t, er, don’t worry about it, yeah?” Zolf says. “Figured you could use a hand. And, er, the bus is late anyway, and, er. Yeah. So.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, no, you </span>
  <em>
    <span>must </span>
  </em>
  <span>let me repay you. There’s a little coffee shop down the road, if you’d like to join me? I’ve just… well, no one else was very helpful, and I’ve been wandering around for nearly half a day now,” he says, running a hand gently through his hair. “You - of course, there’s no pressure to agree, I just - w-well, without you, I would have probably been just as lost and confused until it got dark and I needed to return to my hotel.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I… can’t, sorry,” Zolf says, rubbing his hand on the back of his neck.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you sure? I’d be only too happy to treat you - I’m incredibly grateful for your help, but I don’t want to push you into -“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, no, it’s not - I mean, I’d be happy to - er, I would, but. My shift starts soon,” Zolf explains, stumbling over his words as he tries to wrap his mind around this very attractive stranger asking him to coffee. “Bus should be here any second, actually.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shift?” the man asks, and then seems to recognise Zolf’s scrubs. “Oh, are you a nurse?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Zolf nods. “Pediatric ward. Finished up my residency a year ago.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s amazing!” he says. “One of my friends just started her residency, she isn’t sure if she wants to go into pediatrics or natal care, yet, but she’s been loving it all so far.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The bus turns onto the road; Zolf sees it in the distance, and pulls his card out of his pocket as he takes a small step away from the stranger. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry,” he says, and is surprised to realise that he actually means it this time. “That’s me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hamid watches the bus come closer, and Zolf swears that he sees something disappointed in his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, then, I’ll have to repay you some other time, Mr…?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Zolf. Zolf Smith,” he introduces himself, and the stranger reaches out and shakes his hand with an infectious (beautiful) smile. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hamid Saleh Haroun al-Tahan,” he says, and his hand is firm in Zolf’s. “It’s very lovely to meet you, Zolf.” He pulls back, and scribbles something on a sheet of paper, folding it up as he leans forward and sticks it into Zolf’s pocket. “I hope your shift doesn’t get to be too stressful.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Zolf’s brain had gone into a bit of overdrive the second Hamid had tucked something into his pocket, and he only just comes back to himself as the bus pulls up outside the stop.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, er - thanks, er, I need to - need to go. See you around, er. Hamid,” he stammers, and then escapes into the comforting confinement of the bus. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It pulls away from the pavement, and Zolf gives Hamid half a glance before leaving him behind. He’s already started to head in the correct direction, so Zolf hopes he makes it to the right place. Gods. An entire flat to himself, in </span>
  <em>
    <span>that </span>
  </em>
  <span>building? Zolf had been right, when he’d thought Hamid was one of the posh lot.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’s nicer than most of them, though. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oh. Zolf pulls the piece of paper out of his coat pocket; he’d nearly forgotten about it after getting on the bus. He unfolds it carefully, and his cheeks immediately burn as he notices that on the paper is Hamid’s name and mobile number, with a smiley face and a request to message him sometime.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gods. Sasha’s going to have a </span>
  <em>
    <span>field day </span>
  </em>
  <span>with this one.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. maybe not the way we thought we planned</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>happy holidays!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Zolf escapes to the kitchen before long; he’s never been incredibly social, even when he and Hamid </span>
  <em>
    <span>were </span>
  </em>
  <span>dating. It’s all just - a bit overwhelming, sometimes. Too many people crammed into the same space, and even when Zolf wants to be with them all, it just. Gets to be a tad too much for him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He runs into Barnes in the kitchen. He seems to be the designated runner for the night, grabbing drinks for people as they ask, and he’s in the middle of mixing something for Azu when Zolf finally makes his escape.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, Barnes?” Zolf says as he enters, leaning back against the counter. “Mind grabbing me a drink?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No problem at all - what’ll you be having?” he asks, and Zolf points at one of the ales sitting in the fridge. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He and Barnes have always gotten along well; they’d met in the navy, just in passing on Zolf’s second and final tour, and then managed to meet up again at an old navy veteran’s bar down the road from Zolf and Feryn’s flat. They’d traded war stories over a pint, found out that they had more in common than not, and Zolf had introduced Barnes to Sasha and Hamid. Barnes and Sasha had gotten on like a house on fire, and the three of them would spend hours down on the coast, letting the chilly saltwater air rush over their skin while they relaxed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was easier, back then. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You okay, Zolf?” Barnes asks, a slightly concerned look on his face as he hands the drink over to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>A spike of fear at being caught out this early in the night runs through his veins, one that he carefully covers up with a smile as he gestures toward the backyard. Barnes seems to take it in stride, relaxing back against the table as he drinks from his own tankard.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just a bit tired from my shift at hospital. How’d Cel convince you to turn the place into an unofficial lighthouse, anyway?” Zolf asks, changing the subject. He raises an eyebrow over the pint of ale that Barnes has handed him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Barnes laughs at the question, and shakes his head. “Mate, I don’t even know. We don’t even celebrate the holiday, they just wanted the place to be all lit up for the party.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That must have been a hell of a project,” Zolf says. He’s almost impressed, but he’s definitely going to rib Barnes about it before telling him that. “Don’t think I’ve seen this many string lights in my whole life. Me and Feryn barely did anything more than put a menorah up for ours.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Half of them, Cel invented, which I bet isn’t as surprising as anything else.. They were working like a madman on this,” Barnes says, hiding a fond smile in his cup. “They’ve been looking forward to this for </span>
  <em>
    <span>weeks</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Giddy with it, honestly. Dunno what it is, maybe the hosting? I think they just miss you all, what with us being out here on the coast and no one having a car to visit easily. And trains are only so reliable.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Zolf nods. “I know the feeling. And </span>
  <em>
    <span>you </span>
  </em>
  <span>seem to be the same. Proper chuffed to have us all here, just as much as they are.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Barnes laughs at that. “Maybe I am, at that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Barnes… It’s good to see you happy, mate,” Zolf says, clapping him on the shoulder. Barnes just smiles, and looks toward the front room, where they can hear Cel regaling everyone with some tale of their travels across Siberia a decade or so ago. “I - I know you weren’t, er, sure about it, for a while, after. After the crash.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Barnes’ smile turns misty; his partner at the time had been on the ship that Zolf had been on, the one that had crashed and left him the sole survivor. “It took… a lot, yeah? But. Knew he would have wanted me to be happy and all, so.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Haven’t seen you happier since you met them,” Zolf says, and it’s the truth. Everyone in their little group had known that Barnes and Cel were going to end up together, even right after they’d met. There was just something about them, and how they clicked immediately. It had been inevitable - even though Zolf had played relationship counsellor and encourager to </span>
  <em>
    <span>both </span>
  </em>
  <span>of them, trying to convince them that the other one felt the same. Eventually, Cel had found the courage to ask Barnes out, and, well. The rest is history, as they say.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You and Hamid might just give us a run for our money,” Barnes teases, nudging Zolf in the shoulder. “Azu and Kiko have already got us beat for sappiness, though, so don’t even try. Cel’s been gunning for that title for months now.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Zolf smiles around the twisting in his chest. He and Hamid aren’t. In the running for anything anymore. He knows Barnes doesn’t mean anything by it - </span>
  <em>
    <span>can’t, </span>
  </em>
  <span>considering that he doesn’t even know they aren’t together anymore. It still burns through Zolf’s skin, another reminder of what he might have had. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah,” he says, at a loss. “We might just.”</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>A year and a half ago.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Happy birthday, love,” Zolf says, slowly kissing Hamid awake as Hamid curls up pleasantly under him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mmmm, it’s too early for birthdays,” Hamid murmurs, throwing a hand over his eyes even as he smiles. Another hand comes up around the back of Zolf’s neck, playing with his hair, so he clearly isn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>too </span>
  </em>
  <span>upset about the early hour. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Zolf presses another kiss to his cheek, slowly moving down to his jaw, and Hamid hums happily under him, peeking out at Zolf with a knowing look in his eyes from under his arm. “Stop trying to convince me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not doing anything,” Zolf says, feigning innocence, and then kisses Hamid’s hand, the one covering his eyes. Hamid laughs under him, both hands coming up to cup his cheek as he properly opens his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, you </span>
  <em>
    <span>are,” </span>
  </em>
  <span>Hamid argues, and pulls Zolf down until they’re lying in a facsimile of a hug. “Really, teasing me </span>
  <em>
    <span>this early </span>
  </em>
  <span>in the morning.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Zolf sits up a bit, holding himself up with an arm, and looks down at Hamid. “Oh, what will I do with all these </span>
  <em>
    <span>gifts, </span>
  </em>
  <span>then?” he mutters, hiding a smile behind his hand as Hamid sits up. They nearly crash into each other, Zolf only just leaning away in time. He laughs, pulling Hamid in as he presses their foreheads together. “So rude. I don’t even get a second glance, but </span>
  <em>
    <span>presents </span>
  </em>
  <span>do</span>
  <em>
    <span>.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Hamid pushes him away, but his hand drifts down to tangle their fingers together, so Zolf can’t be that offended. “You can’t tease me, it’s my birthday.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, of course,” Zolf says, dry, and Hamid sticks his tongue out at him. “Only the best for his royal poshness. Please, forgive my transgressions.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hamid shakes his head. “The </span>
  <em>
    <span>disrespect.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Zolf has half a mind to push Hamid off the bed, but it </span>
  <em>
    <span>is </span>
  </em>
  <span>his birthday, and he doesn’t fancy a trip to A&amp;E this early in the morning, either way. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You said presents?” Hamid adds, shifting until he’s sat on his knees, glancing curiously around the room. Zolf laughs, a bit awkward as he rubs the back of his neck.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s, er. More like </span>
  <em>
    <span>present</span>
  </em>
  <span>, I - I only got you this, and everyone else is waiting for the party tonight, and Saira, Aziza, and Saleh’s should be here by the weekend.” Zolf rubs the back of his neck as he reaches over to the little drawer next to the bed, pulling out a shoddily wrapped gift. He hands it over to Hamid, cheeks colouring a bit in embarrassment. “I, er. Meant to get it wrapped at the store, but I was late for my shift at hospital, and, er. Well, I’m not, er. The best at wrapping, you know, and it’s -“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hamid’s warm hand on his arm stops him rambling, and he looks up to see Hamid giving him a comforting smile. “It’s fine, Zolf. I’m going to love it regardless of how it’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>wrapped.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Zolf laughs, but it’s a bit strained. The gift is - it’s not the most elegant thing that he’s ever given Hamid, and he knows that his boyfriend loves the material things, but he - he still hopes that Hamid won’t mind a bit of sentimentality this year. “I, er. I hope so.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His nerves spike as Hamid starts to unwrap the gift, making little humming noises to himself to try and calm himself down. Hamid finally gets through the paper and carefully rips the tape off of the box lid, pulling it off slowly and peeling away the bubble wrap that’s protecting the gift. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s a little glass display case, gorgeously crafted, with little bronze dragons on each side of the frame. Little whorls of glassy red fire spout from the dragons’ mouths, and the engraving at the bottom is a pattern of tempestuous waves that look incredibly realistic. The frame in the center is double-sided, with two photos set into it already. There are other photos in the box, carefully bound, but Zolf had taken the photo from Hamid’s recent birthday of himself and his siblings, back home in Cairo, all smiling, and then a photo of all of his and Hamid’s friends here, crashed together on a single couch and laughing at a terrible joke that Cel had made. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Zolf watches Hamid’s face nervously as he pulls the frame out, trailing a finger across the frame. He turns it over, and does the same with the second photo, pressing a fist to his mouth. He carefully sets the frame back into the box, treating it like the delicate glass it is. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Zolf, this is…” Hamid trails off, staring down at the box. “I didn’t - how did you -“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Zolf settles next to him, twiddling his thumbs as he watches Hamid nervously. “Saira helped, but it - er, it was my idea, she just helped me. Find the right photos. Er. I - you said a few months ago that you didn’t. Have many photos, or places to put them, and this - well, it’s double sided, so I figured you could. Bring it to work, or leave it here, and turn it around if you needed, or swap out the photos, and then you just. Have this. If - if you - if you like it? And, er, you can. I mean, if you…” he trails off as Hamid carefully sets the box next to them, still not saying anything, and Zolf’s nerves spike </span>
  <em>
    <span>again. </span>
  </em>
  <span>“If you don’t like it, we can go back and get -“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’s cut off as Hamid reaches up and kisses him. It’s awkward, with Zolf in the middle of speaking, but Hamid changes the angle and wraps an arm around Zolf‘s neck, pulling him down. He breaks away before long, but keeps their foreheads pressed together as he breathes shakily. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you,” Hamid says, and he sounds like he’s on the verge of tears as he cups Zolf’s face in shaking hands. “I </span>
  <em>
    <span>love </span>
  </em>
  <span>it, Zolf, truly, it - it’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>beautiful.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, er - really? You do?” Zolf asks, and Hamid finally looks up at him, tears dotting the corners of his eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, of </span>
  <em>
    <span>course </span>
  </em>
  <span>I do, you </span>
  <em>
    <span>daft </span>
  </em>
  <span>man,” Hamid says, and kisses him again. “It’s - it’s perfect.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh,” Zolf says. “That’s good.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How did you even </span>
  <em>
    <span>find </span>
  </em>
  <span>this?” Hamid asks, letting go of Zolf and looking down at the gift again. “I’ve - the craftsmanship is </span>
  <em>
    <span>amazing, </span>
  </em>
  <span>it can’t have been London.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Zolf shakes his head. “D’you remember when we visited Cel and Barnes over holidays And we went down to the shops? One of them had this, and. Well, it fit perfectly.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It certainly does,” Hamid says, a finger curling around the head of one of the dragons. “I’ve never seen anything as pretty.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I have,” Zolf says before he can think better of it, staring directly at him, and then smacks his hand against his forehead. “Gods, that was </span>
  <em>
    <span>terrible, </span>
  </em>
  <span>I -“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hamid laughs. “It was,” he agrees, and crowds close to Zolf again. “But thank you anyway.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Zolf wraps an arm around his side as Hamid returns to the box, pulling out a small, thin parcel and looking at Zolf curiously. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, Saira helped with that, too. There’s a few photos of you all as kids in there. Only the flattering ones, of course.” He dodges the swat Hamid sends his way, catching Hamid’s hand in his and pressing a kiss to it instead. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This is… incredible, Zolf,” Hamid says again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m glad you like it,” Zolf says, tangling their fingers together. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Back to bed? Until breakfast?” Hamid asks, effectively ending the discussion as he pulls Zolf down with him. Zolf falls with an </span>
  <em>
    <span>oof, </span>
  </em>
  <span>carefully bracketing his arms on either side of Hamid so that he doesn’t accidentally crush him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hamid, I have an entire plan for breakfast,” he says, but doesn’t make any rush to get up. Hamid’s arms wouldn’t let him, anyway, and Zolf is content to just lay there with him. He does roll off of Hamid, though, reversing them until Hamid is mostly perched on top of his chest. Hamid pushes himself up a bit, and stares down at him, gaze soft and bordering on sappy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you,” Hamid says, sincerely, and leans down to press a kiss to his lips. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Zolf lets him, happy to lay there and lazily make out with Hamid until it’s too late for breakfast proper. His hand comes up and plays with Hamid’s curls, the other resting against the small of his back, and the sun slowly rises in the sky outside of their little quiet flat.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hamid pulls back sooner than Zolf would like, but he doesn’t go far. He settles more comfortably against his side, half on top of him and half not, head tucked into his shoulder. His arm stretches across Zolf’s chest, fingers gently resting against his side, and his hair tickles Zolf’s neck and chin. He breathes steadily against him, and Zolf traces circles against Hamid’s freckled back, slowly lulled into relaxation at the feel of Hamid’s heart beating against his own chest. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you, too,” Zolf says, pressing his chin to Hamid’s temple. He lets his eyes slip closed too - breakfast can keep, and Zolf is all too pleased to just lay there with Hamid and let the morning pass them by. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’s happy to do </span>
  <em>
    <span>anything</span>
  </em>
  <span>, with Hamid at his side. More happy than he’s been in a while</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>comments massively appreciated</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. i crossed my heart (but i stuttered too)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Zolf knows that he can’t hide out in the kitchen forever, as much as he wishes he could, so he steals one of the appetizers that Cel hadn’t brought out and pops it into his mouth. He tops off his ale and heads out - Barnes is a bit ahead of him, walking down the hallway and chatting about their plans for fixing up an old cottage out back for guests to stay in when Cel comes bounding up to him. </p><p>They take their glass of eggnog back from him, giving him a kiss on the cheek. “Thank you,” they say, giving him a soft smile that Barnes returns. </p><p>Zolf hangs back as Cel asks something else, quietly: he doesn’t know what they’re talking about, but he isn’t going to eavesdrop, and he sure as hell isn’t in a hurry to get back into the front room, where he has to pretend like his heart isn’t breaking all over again every time he looks at Hamid.</p><p>“Look up!” Kiko calls over, a smirk pulling at the corner of her lips, and Zolf pushes the thoughts aside while Cel‘s gaze shoots up. “Go on, you two. Can’t buck tradition, and all that.”</p><p>Zolf doesn’t know how he hadn’t noticed the little sprig hanging down from the ceiling. It almost looks like it’s floating there, and he realises that Barnes must have tied it up with a piece of fishing line. He can only just barely catch it in the right angles. </p><p>“Ooh, <em> mistletoe!” </em> Cel crows, and drags Barnes back. Their voice drips with a playful sarcasm as their hands play across Barnes’ shoulders. “I wonder who could have thought to put that there?”</p><p>He goes with a soft smile, wrapping his arms around Cel’s waist as they lean down and kiss him. It’s a deep kiss as well, and Cel ends it with a flourish as they dip Barnes low. They both break apart, smiling and laughing, and press their foreheads together. Zolf can’t help smiling too, even as the cavity in his chest gets bigger. </p><p>They’ve been together for four years, married for one, and they still act as in love with each other as they did at the beginning of their relationship. Zolf’s happy for them, of <em> course </em>he is, but he can’t help thinking about how he thought Hamid would be that for him. </p><p>“Oh, Zolf, there you are!” Azu says as she comes up to his side. “Hamid’s been looking for you. He’s in the front room with the rest of us.”</p><p>“Ah. Thanks, Azu. Was, er - chatting with Barnes in the kitchen.”</p><p>Azu gives him a bit of a quizzical look, but it fades in an instant, and she steps to the side as Zolf carefully edges past her and heads back into the lounge. </p><p>He joins Hamid on the couch, sitting a bit farther apart than he normally would, but Hamid closes the distance before Zolf can second-guess himself. He presses up against Zolf’s side, warm and fitting perfectly against his side, and Zolf doesn’t have any option but to let his arm drape around Hamid’s shoulders. Hamid almost seems to relax when he feels it, and Zolf has to push down all the thoughts of <em> maybe </em>when he realises that it’s better for them to be close and cuddly. </p><p>Zolf’s never been a particularly tactile person, but Hamid <em> is </em>, and it would be stranger for them to not be sitting close together, close enough that Hamid’s nearly on top of him. Vesseek’s emerged from wherever they’d been when Zolf and Hamid came in, and Zolf gives them a little wave as a greeting. They just incline their head, returning his wave with a smile. </p><p>“Sorry that the hospital has been keeping Zolf from you, Hamid,” Azu says, giving him a sympathetic look. “The pediatric ward has been more hectic than usual this year.”</p><p>“Ah, yes,” Hamid says, and there’s <em> just </em>the edge of strain in his voice. Zolf doesn’t think anyone else but him would pick up on it, but Hamid acts like nothing’s wrong as he continues. “I completely understand, of course, but I hope that it’s never anything too serious.”</p><p>“He’s been doing a wonderful job,” Azu says. “The kids all love him - just last week, one of the kids had to have their arm amputated, and Zolf was so patient with them, letting them look at his prosthetic. You’re lucky to have him.”</p><p>He can feel Hamid tense at his side, and Zolf wishes the world would swallow him up whole so that he doesn’t need to be here anymore, in this slow, slow torture. </p><p>“I definitely am,” Hamid says, and his grip is <em> too </em>tight on Zolf’s hand. </p><p>Zolf laughs, hoping it doesn’t sound as strained as he’s scared it does. “Oh, I’ve done my fair share of apologising, Azu. Especially around the holidays.”</p><p>Hamid squeezes his hand again. “I told you, you didn’t <em> need </em> to apologise. Well, there was that one time -”</p><p>“Hey, I <em> did </em> apologise for that,” Zolf reminds him, and there may be a bit more tension in the response than there normally would be, a little less teasing. “I wasn’t even <em> that </em>late.”</p><p>“Not even a <em> text </em>,” Hamid says, and, well. </p><p>It’s weird. This is an old argument, one that’s rehashed every so often as nothing more than a joke. There’s a <em> script </em>to it - it happened last year, and Hamid always brings it up when he wants something from Zolf, and it’s always overexaggerated, him escalating the story until Zolf was gone for 10 hours when it was barely over three, and Zolf always capitulates, gives in to Hamid’s demands with a kiss to his cheek and a promise (a lie, teased out of him) that he won’t let Hamid use it against him in the future. </p><p>This feels… different. Because Zolf should be joking around, should be laughing as Hamid exaggerates, should be doubling down and <em> shortening </em> the time in return, but this - this is wrong. </p><p>“It was only three hours,” Zolf argues, and he <em> knows </em> that he’s right because he’d <em> kept track </em>because he knew that he would be late and he didn’t want to keep Hamid up worrying. </p><p>“It was <em> definitely </em> five,” Hamid says, and normally it would have the edge of a teasing tone in it, the exaggeration already beginning, but it just sounds <em> flat </em> now, and Zolf doesn’t know what to do. </p><p>“You two are like an old married couple,” Kiko teases, and Zolf freezes where he sits even as he’s grateful for the interruption. “You sure bicker like one.”</p><p>Grizzop laughs, off to the side. “Oh, you have no idea,” he says, leaning forward and pointing at the two of them. “If these two go more than five minutes without bickering over <em> something </em>, I’d think something was wrong.”</p><p>“He’s right,” Sasha adds, but there’s something in her eyes that seems almost <em> too </em>knowing. Out of anyone there, she knows Zolf best, and she’s known both of them the longest, sans Barnes, and if anyone was going to pick up on something being wrong, it’s her. Zolf just shakes his head, subtly, and Sasha sits back in her chair, although the look doesn’t disappear. “You two bicker more than anyone I know.”</p><p>“I think it’s sweet,” Azu says, and Kiko gives her a dubious look. “No, really! I mean - you bicker, yes, but it’s also very clear that you two care about each other. And you don’t let it affect your relationship. It’s just nice to see you both happy.”</p><p>Zolf doesn’t know what to say to that; Azu has a <em> point </em> , but that was. That was before the fight, before… everything. He - they <em> were </em> happy, which is the worst of it. They were <em> so </em>happy. </p><p>Cel says something to Barnes that Zolf doesn’t hear, too wrapped up in his own thoughts, but the conversation moves on. It leaves him and Hamid behind as Cel and Barnes joke with each other, with Grizzop and Azu chiming in to tease the two of <em> them </em> as well. </p><p>Zolf laughs, and jokes, and takes the piss out of them as well, and the entire time, he can’t ignore the solid presence of Hamid, absent for what feels like forever, pressed up against his side with his hair tickling Zolf’s neck and chin. </p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <em>A week ago. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>It ends, as all things do, not with a whisper, but with a bang.</p><p>Maybe Zolf should have seen it coming. Maybe both of them should have. It was made up of too-long nights, sitting up and waiting for the other, waking up alone, snippy comments that never got truly addressed, and it all built up, tension exploding out of the both of them in a nearly earth-shattering blast. </p><p>“We have dinner tomorrow, don’t forget,” Zolf reminds Hamid as they’re going to bed. He knows something is wrong from the way Hamid’s back tenses. “What?”</p><p>“That’s tomorrow?” Hamid says back, and there’s already an apology in his tone that Zolf’s heard enough to recognise what it means.</p><p>“You forgot again?” he asks, voice carefully neutral as Hamid turns around, a regretful look on his face.</p><p>“I don’t - I didn’t <em> forget, </em> I just - I thought it was a few days from now, I - w-we have a board meeting over dinner tomorrow, it’s not something I can - I’m <em> so </em>sorry, Zolf,” Hamid says, covering his mouth with his hands. “I’m - if I could do anything to change the times I would, but it’s -“</p><p>“Out of your hands,” Zolf supplies. Hamid nods again, and it’s clear he genuinely feels bad, but the explanation has become common enough that Zolf isn’t feeling anything but frustrated. </p><p>Hamid’s been taking longer and longer hours at the bank, recently. Just two months ago, they’d had to reschedule their anniversary dinner because of another bank meeting - ‘out of his hands’, Hamid had said. That excuse had also explained away him missing a day trip with their friends, missing one of the family days at the hospital that Zolf and Azu work at, missing out on a few dinners with Zolf… the list goes on.</p><p>It’s not like Zolf thinks Hamid is lying - he knows Hamid is at the bank, because Saira <em> tells </em> him, because he <em> trusts </em> Hamid 100%, and because Hamid only ever looks that tired after he’s had to deal with his father, even if only over a conference line. He just wishes that Hamid would stop putting the bank first all the time, for his own health if nothing else. Zolf’s watched him get more and more stressed over the last few months due to a merger coming up, and he wants to support Hamid, and <em> does, </em>but it’s hard to watch someone you care about working themselves nearly to death.</p><p>“Rain check?” Hamid asks, leaning down and pressing a chaste kiss to Zolf’s cheek. “The night after next? I’ll clear my schedule and change the reservations.”</p><p>Zolf catches Hamid where he is, running a hand over his hair while he settles in against Zolf’s side, slotting in comfortably. Their legs tangle together as he rests his head against Zolf’s shoulder.</p><p>“I can’t,” Zolf says, regretful. “Working a double. Don’t know when I’ll have another free evening.”</p><p>“Gods,” Hamid murmurs, hand tracing circles over Zolf’s chest. “I’m an awful person for wishing that you could be home more, aren’t I?”</p><p>“Well, it’s definitely worse than me wishing you didn’t have to be at <em> your </em>job,” Zolf says, and he means it as a joke, but the frustration bubbles over and he knows it comes out more tense than he wants it to. Hamid tenses at his side, and Zolf knows that he’s stuck his foot it in, now. “I don’t know why you stick around there,” he mutters, because if he’s already in it, he may as well go all the way in.</p><p>It’s an old argument that they’ve had thousands of times by this point, a buildup of frustration and anger that he’s never sure ever makes it through to Hamid. Zolf’s too tired to check his words, too exhausted from work to push it back down. </p><p>Hamid sits up, jaw clenched, and turns around, swinging his legs over the side.“I don’t want to talk about this,” he says, voice firm, but Zolf can see the barely held back frustration in the way he’s holding himself. </p><p>“You <em> never </em> want to talk about this,” Zolf says mutinously, and Hamid scoffs.</p><p>“Because we always end up <em> arguing </em> over something I can’t change,” he says, and only just glances over his shoulder to look at Zolf. “This is what I <em> have </em> to do, and you <em> know </em> that, Zolf, I don’t see why you <em> keep </em>making us re-hash this, and -“</p><p>“Hamid, I <em> know </em> you don’t want to be there!” Zolf says, and sits up. Hamid fully stands up now, getting some space in between the two of them. “You got your masters in <em> teaching, </em>of all things, but then everything with your family happened and -“</p><p>“Don’t,” Hamid says, and his voice is even firmer than before. “This is why I didn’t want to talk about it! I hate how you use <em> them </em>against me!”</p><p>“Hamid, I’m not <em> using them against you, </em> I’m saying that you don’t always need to <em> listen -“ </em></p><p>“It’s not that <em> simple, </em> Zolf!” Hamid shouts, throwing his arms to the side. “This isn’t a single <em> choice </em> I’ve made, and I don’t like you asking me to choose between <em> you </em>and my family.”</p><p>Zolf laughs this time, but it’s angry and bitter and it comes from somewhere deep within him. He knows he’s just making things worse, now, but there’s an anger and a frustration that he can’t push aside, and it's making everything worse. “Hamid, you’ve already <em> done </em>that,” he says, voice dripping with sarcasm. </p><p>It’s silent in the room for a minute; Zolf immediately regrets saying it, because he <em> knows </em> that’s not how it goes, but he isn’t going to retract it. Not when Hamid is looking at him like that, like he’s done nothing wrong, and not when Hamid is choosing work over Zolf <em> again </em> . Not when this has been happening for months now. Not when he’s so <em> tired </em> of having to accommodate everything around Hamid’s schedule. </p><p>“Oh, because <em> I’m </em>the only one who’s putting work in front of everything else,” Hamid snaps, nasty, and Zolf freezes, hands curling up in the bedsheets. </p><p>“And what’s <em> that </em>supposed to mean?” he asks. Hamid turns around, not facing him. </p><p>“Do you think I haven’t noticed you taking extra shifts at the hospital?” Hamid accuses, crossing his arms over his chest. “You’re <em> barely </em> ever home anymore, I only see you for a few minutes in the morning and you never wake me up when you come back. It’s - it’s like you don’t even <em> live </em>here anymore!”</p><p>Zolf can’t tell him the real reason he was taking extra shifts - he can’t taint <em> that </em> with the anger stemming from both of them. So instead he latches onto the anger, lets that fuel him, because it makes him not <em> think </em>, and the last thing he needs right now is to think. </p><p>(Maybe if he’d let himself think, let themselves both cool off, things would be different.)</p><p>“Hamid, we’ve had to reschedule dinners just for us, lunches with our friends, and even your own <em> birthday party </em> because of your work!” Zolf shouts. “Say what you want about me taking <em> extra shifts </em> , but I’m not the one who’s life we’re deciding to <em> center </em>around.”</p><p>“Well, if that’s how you feel, maybe we <em> shouldn’t </em>be together anymore!” Hamid shouts back, throwing his arms to the side as he glares at Zolf. </p><p>The silence that falls between them is uncrossable. Hamid’s words hit Zolf like a truck, slamming into his chest and knocking the breath out of his lungs. The anger leaves him in a second, leaving him standing there in shock as he stares at Hamid across the room. He doesn’t - he doesn’t know how it got to this point, a seemingly irreparable break between the two of us that Zolf doesn’t even know if he wants to mend.</p><p>Frustrated tears have welled up in Hamid’s eyes, and for a moment, Zolf thinks he might take it back. The silence is oppressive, filling the room with a nothingness that echoes in Zolf’s chest as he stares at Hamid, who glares back at him. He’s the one who breaks eye contact first, wrapping his arms around himself as he looks out of the window, and Zolf feels the decision settle like cement over the two of them. </p><p>“Fine. Maybe we shouldn’t,” he says, tone carefully kept devoid of emotion. </p><p>It takes an eternity to put his prosthetic on. Neither of them speak. Hamid’s face is still streaked with tears, but he isn’t moving from his position. Zolf clings to the bit of anger he can still feel roiling around in his chest; it’s better than the nothingness that’s threatening to overtake him. </p><p>He stalks to the closet, in the room that they’ve shared for two years now and grabs a duffel, throwing it down onto the bed. He grabs enough clothes from the wardrobe to last him at least a week, and zips it shut with a vengeance.</p><p>He straightens up and looks at Hamid. There’s… a chasm between them, now, something dark and ugly and cracked, and neither of them move. It’s quiet in the apartment now, oppressively so, and Zolf can feel his chest constricting, can feel everything slowly falling down around his ears, and for a moment he wants to apologise, wants to pull Hamid into his arms and just <em> stay </em>there, and - </p><p>He wants to, but. He doesn’t even know if there’s anything here worth saving anymore. He leaves the room, and doesn’t wait for Hamid to follow him as he pulls on his coat. It’s old and ratty, and he leaves the new one that Hamid bought him as a birthday gift on the hanger. </p><p>“Where are you going?” Hamid asks from behind him, and there’s <em> something </em>in his voice that Zolf doesn't know how to interpret. So he doesn’t try.</p><p>“Feryn’s,” he says, instead of the thousand other things he wants to say, and he <em> clings </em>to the anger like a lifeline, because he can feel the guilt and despair slowly circling him, waiting for the moment to strike. </p><p>He pulls the flat key out of his jacket pocket and puts it on the table, and that more than anything makes this feel… final. Hamid’s face looks - broken is the only word for it, but there’s a steel behind it, and Zolf knows that Hamid isn’t going to ask him to stay. The thought makes his heart settle heavy in his chest, so he holds on even more tightly to the anger, as though that will make all of this better. It at least makes him able to move. </p><p>With one last look at Hamid, so many unsaid things sitting on the tip of his tongue, Zolf leaves. He slams the door behind him without a thought, and the tears finally start to flow as the anger slips from his grip. They’re hot and heavy on his cheeks, and Zolf digs his fingers into his eyes as he stands outside the door, trying to force himself to take another step. The duffel bag falls from his grip, landing heavily on the floor as he starts to tremble, wishing that Hamid had said anything to make him want to stay. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. we never sent the cards (they're all still on the table)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>beginning of the end lads! again comments super appreciated haha</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Zolf needs a break. <em> He’s </em> going to break if he sits there for much longer, so he extricates himself from Hamid and makes up some excuse that everyone laughs at and goes out onto the balcony. It’s freezing outside, but Cel had somehow rigged a little heater onto the outside of the house, so it’s at least bearable. He takes a chair and drags it over in front of the heater, sitting as close to it as he can without feeling like he’s getting burned. </p><p>The snow’s stopped falling, which Zolf almost appreciates. He looks up at the sky; this far outside of the city, the stars are bright and clear, and he watches them twinkle above him while he tries not to completely lose himself to the roiling maelstrom inside his chest.</p><p>Feryn was right. Feryn was <em> completely </em> right, just like he always was, and Zolf hates how out of control he feels. He thought it would be <em> easy </em> to pretend, to just sit next to Hamid and play nice and not <em> think </em>about this for a few hours, but it’s harder than he ever thought it would be. </p><p>It’s just - it’s so <em> much, </em> sitting in there, pretending like his world isn’t slowly crumbling apart in front of him. Trying to not think about how his friends could just pick Hamid over him anyway, when it all comes down to it. He doesn’t understand why they <em> wouldn’t; </em>with the exception of Sasha and Barnes, everyone knew Hamid first. </p><p>He runs a shaking hand through his hair. Everything is falling apart, just like how he was scared it would, and he doesn’t know what he can do to fix it. If there's even anything he <em> can </em>do to fix it. </p><p>The door opens before long, and he wipes his eyes, trying to seem like he just needed some fresh air instead of coming out to have a cry. He hadn’t needed to worry; it’s just Sasha.</p><p>“Hey, Sasha,” he greets, and if he sounds tired, he can at least blame it on the long shifts at the hospital. The holidays are always the worst, and as much as they try to spread it around, the pediatric ward is always busier than Zolf thinks it will be. She doesn’t say anything, just stares at him, watching carefully as he tries to appear unaffected. </p><p>“It’s Hamid, isn’t it,” she says. She’s always been perceptive, <em> too </em>perceptive, especially where Zolf is concerned, and he’s not sure if he should be angry about it or grateful that he didn’t even need to say anything. </p><p>He still tries to deflect. “What d’you mean? What’s Hamid?”</p><p>Sasha just flicks him in the forehead. “Why you’re acting all… weird. And sad.”</p><p>Zolf snorts, but he knows it doesn’t come out completely right. Sue him, he’s on the verge of a breakdown and just barely keeping it together. “I’m normally weird and sad,” he reminds her, but Sasha just goes to flick him again. He catches her wrist in his hand before she can - only briefly, only as a warning, and her hands retreat to her sides.</p><p>“Not like this,” she says, tilting her head to the side. “S’different.”</p><p>“Oi,” Zolf says, not sure if he should be offended or not. Being offended is a right spot better than being all sad and regretful, though, so he clings onto it with everything he has. “Don’t be rude.”</p><p>Sasha rolls her eyes and sits down in the chair next to him. She’d brought a blanket out, and hands another one over to him. He takes it with a quiet thanks and wraps it around his shoulders. It’s still cold out, but between the blanket and the heater, Zolf is mostly comfortable. Sasha curls up in her chair, pulling her knees up to her chest. </p><p>“Zolf, just tell me,” Sasha says, and for a moment Zolf considers lying again. Blaming it on his work, or some other stress. Just saying that he and Hamid are fighting (it’s believable enough, especially for Sasha, who’s watched them bicker for years), and that it’ll get sorted soon. </p><p>He should lie. That’s what he and Hamid had agreed on, that neither of them would tell anyone until after the holidays. </p><p>Zolf’s just so <em> tired. </em></p><p>“...We broke up,” Zolf says, and somehow, everytime he says it aloud, it makes it feel more real. “Me and Hamid. One... a week ago. Ish. I don’t - we just. Aren’t together anymore. Ended it.”</p><p>He’s talking too much, he knows, but this is what happens when the anxiety settles deep into his chest and claws into him and refuses to let go. It’s almost a relief, having someone else know. Sure, <em> Feryn </em> knows, but he isn’t part of the group, </p><p>“You… what?” Sasha asks. “Why? I didn’t - I mean, I thought you two were. You know. Good, and all.”</p><p>Zolf snorts. “Yeah, well. So did I. I think. It got… messy, toward the end.”</p><p>Sasha looks back in through the window, jaw clenched, and Zolf can nearly see the gears working in her head. “So you two are… pretending? What, just - like it didn’t happen?”</p><p>“Just for tonight,” Zolf says. “I - we haven’t. We hadn’t spoken since the night we fought. I… I left. Stayed at Feryn’s. Hamid called me once, just to talk about tonight. That’s been. That’s been it.”</p><p>Sasha doesn’t say anything for a moment, and then she looks back at Zolf. “That’s - that’s mad, Zolf, why did you -“</p><p>“You can’t tell him I told you. You can’t tell anyone,” Zolf whispers desperately, realising that nothing would be stopping her from going inside and telling everyone. “We promised not to say anything about it until after the holidays, we - just, <em> please, </em>Sasha.”</p><p>She doesn’t look happy about it, but if there was anyone in their little group who understood the importance of keeping a secret, it would be her. “Fine,” she grumbles, tucking herself up in the chair as she pulls her knees up to her chest. “You asked me, so I won’t. But. I don’t like it. I <em> really </em>don’t, Zolf.”</p><p>Zolf swallows. “I don’t much, either,” he admits, and rubs a shaking hand through his hair. He pulls his beard apart and re-braids it, over and over and over again, until his hands aren’t shaking as much. </p><p>“...Why’d you agree to it?” Sasha asks, and… Zolf doesn’t have a great answer for her, actually, even if he <em> does </em>have an answer. </p><p>“Because it’s <em> Hamid </em> ,” he says, and he <em> knows </em> it’s a shitty reason, but it’s still the truth, and even after <em> everything, </em> he still wants to do this for Hamid. He doesn’t add that he <em> wanted </em> this, a bit. Wanted a chance to pretend like nothing had changed, that he was still happy, that he and Hamid were still together. He hadn’t thought about how hard it would be, pretending to still be <em> all </em>that while knowing it was nothing more than a farce. Nothing more than playing house before going home alone, to a dark, empty room. He sighs. “It’s fine, Sasha.”</p><p>Sasha presses her lips together, and Zolf can tell she wants to argue. </p><p>“You shouldn’t be hiding this,” she says, and, gods, he can see Feryn in her, the way her shoulders are set against anything that would hurt Zolf. “This - I know you agreed, but. Zolf, it’s doing your <em> head </em> in, having to pretend.” </p><p>Zolf laughs again, but this time he doesn’t even try to hide how bitter and tired it is. “It’s just one night. That’s all we agreed to. One night, pretending to be a happy couple, and then we tell everyone after the holidays. We didn’t… want to ruin tonight for everyone.”</p><p>Sasha’s mouth turns down into a frown as she watches him. “That’s - Zolf, we’re your <em> friends. </em> That’s not - you wouldn’t <em> ruin </em>this.”</p><p>Zolf swallows, heavily, and curls up a bit more in the chair, tilting his head backward as he looks up at the sky. Sasha hugs him, and Zolf is so surprised that he almost forgets to hug her back. It’s over in an instant, a single moment of comfort, and then Sasha stands up, wrapping the blanket tighter around her shoulders.</p><p>“You coming?” she asks, and Zolf stares out over the water, chewing on the inside of his cheek.</p><p>“I’ll… be a bit, still,” he says. “Just… need a bit of space to, er. Breathe. For a bit. You - you go ahead, Sasha.”</p><p>She hesitates, for a moment, and Zolf thinks she might stay out with him. Might say something else, that he doesn’t know how to respond to, but instead, she turns on her heel and heads inside. Zolf doesn’t watch her go, gaze returning to the dark shadows of the Thames.</p><p>He gets too cold to stay out there, eventually, even with the heater sat right next to him. He wraps his arms around his abdomen and stands, watching the dark shadows of the Thames before he tears his gaze away and heads inside. </p><p>Barnes meets him by the door, and there’s something shrewd in his eyes as he watches Zolf, but he lets him pass by without comment. It makes sense that he and Sasha are the ones picking up on his weird behaviour - they’ve known him the longest, and while he’s not nearly as close with Barnes as he is with Sasha, they definitely know him the best out of this motley crew.</p><p>Zolf will have to be a bit less obvious. He steps into the sitting room, leaning against the doorway as he watches the conversation. His fingers tighten around the bottle of the ale in his grip, and he can feel his heart start to slowly sink in his chest. </p><p>Hamid looks… beautiful. It’s like this is the place he truly belongs, surrounded by friends and family and being the center of attention, making everyone feel welcome and like they’re the center of his world any time he speaks to them. Zolf had always wondered what Hamid ever saw in him, when he could have anyone he wanted just from the sheer force of his charm. Zolf belongs in the shadows, on the edges. He’s not - that’s not who he can <em> be. </em> Hamid is so… full of <em> life, </em> so… <em> everything. </em></p><p>Zolf has to look away; it’s a picture that he doesn’t think he fits into, and for a moment he wonders how he ever did. His heart thuds in his chest, painful as anything, and he always thought that heartbreak wasn’t a real thing, but his chest hurts enough now that he thinks it just might be. </p><p>Maybe Sasha and Feryn were right. Maybe it’s better to just have this out now, and tell everyone so that they can <em> both </em>move on with their lives, let each other finally go.</p><p>… He tries very hard not to think about the small ring box that’s tucked away in their - <em> his </em> sock drawer. Seems… useless, now. He adds that to the mental list of things that he needs to take from the flat, and hopes against all hope that Hamid doesn’t find it before he can get rid of it. <em> Shite. </em> He’d thought… well, it doesn’t matter now, he supposes. Just a passing fancy. </p><p>“Would you get me a drink, love?” Hamid says, drawing Zolf’s attention back to him, and he heads over to Hamid, leans down over the couch, pastes a wooden smile on his face.</p><p>“Of course, what would you like?” he asks, and Hamid considers for a moment, tilting his head to the side. Zolf is expecting something outrageous, something complicated and irritating to make, but Hamid just ends up shaking his head. </p><p>“Actually, I can come as well,” Hamid says. “Cel’s promised me some Egyptian appetizers, and I’ve been missing home more than usual lately.”</p><p>He stands, and Zolf waits for him to come around the sofa before heading off toward the kitchen. Cheers ring out from the room, and both of them pause.</p><p>“Oh, looks like you two are next!” Zolf hears, and spins on his heel to see Azu and Kiko staring at them, giving them both furtive grins. Azu points up, and he realizes that the universe really <em> does </em>have it out for him. </p><p>They’d forgotten to avoid the mistletoe. He glances down; Hamid has a complicated look on his face, but it vanishes as quickly as it appeared, and the mask is back as he turns and wraps his arms around Zolf’s neck. There’s cracks in it, of course, and Zolf already <em> knows </em> that his face is definitely not making the expression it should when you get to kiss your boyfriend. He hopes it’s dim enough in the hallway that no one notices, but <em> Hamid </em>sure seems to, and steps gently on his foot.</p><p>It snaps Zolf out of his thoughts, and he instinctively wraps his arms around Hamid, palms settling in the small of his back, where they always sit. </p><p>His head is doing him in, Sasha was <em> right </em> , and he can’t <em> think </em> right, and Hamid is so close, and that’s just making it <em> harder, </em>and everything is spinning around him, and he thinks he might be spiraling again, and - </p><p>A warm hand on his face pulls him back to reality, and he takes in a deep breath as he focuses on Hamid. There’s a worried look in his eyes, but it disappears as soon as Zolf seems to come back to himself, and then Hamid is smiling up at him again, as though nothing happened. </p><p>“Lean down and kiss me,” he says quietly, too quiet for anyone else to hear, and this is - Zolf can do that. </p><p>Heart thudding, he kisses Hamid, and his chest aches with it. It’s just like he remembered, and Hamid still fits against him perfectly, and if Zolf doesn’t think about it, he can pretend. Can pretend the last weeks of tension and anger never happened, can pretend that he didn’t walk away from this in a dark apartment. So he swallows back the regret, and memorises the way Hamid looks and feels against him, and lets himself pretend. </p><p>But in the end, it still feels like a goodbye.</p><p>They break apart, foreheads pressed together. Hamid’s eyes are closed and his lips are red and spit-slicked; a blush is creeping over his cheeks, and his hair is soft where it brushes against Zolf’s skin. Zolf memorises that, too. </p><p>And then the moment breaks. Hamid steps back, and the mask is on his face again, maybe with a few more cracks, but he turns to Azu and Kiko with a bright, teasing smile. His hands shake where they sit on Zolf’s shoulders, and then they’re gone, and Hamid isn’t close enough for Zolf to feel his warmth anymore, and it’s like he’s left bereft, adrift in a freezing ocean, and all he can do is watch Hamid tease Azu and Kiko, like nothing happened, like this is all part of the game. </p><p>“Bathroom,” Zolf croaks out, because he doesn’t know what else to do, and flees before anyone can stop him. </p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Zolf wakes up alone, in an unfamiliar bed, and for a moment he’s confused. All the memories come rushing back the second he sits up - the fight, the break up, and him banging on Feryn’s door at midnight, desperately hoping that he was awake and that Zolf had somewhere to stay for the night. He’d collapsed into Feryn’s arms, feeling lost and adrift, and Feryn had immediately let him in and helped him along to the guest room, leaving Zolf to cry himself to sleep. His cheeks are salty with tears, and the light filtering in through the drapes only worsens his burgeoning headache. </p><p>Feryn’s helpfully left a glass of water on the bedside table, and Zolf sits up and downs the entire thing, hoping it will help. He’s tempted to just lay there forever, until he feels up to facing the world again, but nothing’s going to change if he stays in bed. And he owes Feryn an explanation, anyway, considering he showed up half out of his mind the night before. </p><p>“Fuck,” he mutters, digging his fingers into his temples. He checks his phone, and even though he hadn’t expected anything, not having a message from Hamid still makes his heart sink down through the floor. “<em> Fuck.” </em></p><p>He drags himself out of bed and takes longer than usual to pull his prosthetic on, fingers trembling with anxiety and residual emotion. Clothes are next - clothes, and then loo, and then breakfast, and putting it together like a list helps him get moving when all he wants to do is lay down and not think for another couple of hours. </p><p>He makes it to the kitchen before too long. Feryn is cooking something on the stove, and gives him a quiet greeting as he comes in. Zolf grunts in return and sits down at the table, waiting in the quiet as Feryn finishes up cooking.</p><p>“You want to talk about it?” he asks, spooning a big pile of eggs onto Zolf’s plate and adding a bit more cheese to the top with a flourish. “I mean, you don’t have to, it’s your business, but I was more than a bit concerned when my little brother showed up outside my door at nearly midnight, shaking like a leaf.”</p><p>Zolf starts to take a bite of eggs, but his stomach rolls, and he sets the fork down with a clank as he leans back in the chair. “No, it’s - it’s okay, we - I mean, me and Hamid, we - er. We. It’s.” It’s harder to get out then he thought it would be, and he can feel the chasm coming again, threatening to swallow him whole. “We fought. It, er. It was a bad one. I said some stuff I didn’t mean, but. I. I meant most of it. And I don’t know… I don’t know if we can come back from that.”</p><p>“You should talk to him,” Feryn says, and Zolf looks away. </p><p>“I don’t know <em> how </em> to,” he says, and the realisation alone makes him curl up, makes his chest ache even more. He’s always been able to talk to Hamid, even when they were bickering, but it’s like he doesn’t even… know him anymore. </p><p>He doesn’t want to cry again, but the tears are starting to build up behind his eyes, and he takes a few deep breaths. Feryn is watching him with a sympathetic look in his eyes, and from anyone else, Zolf would hate it. From Feryn, he knows that it’s just… his brother, worried about him, and it doesn’t feel as. Pitying. </p><p>“I bought a ring,” he confesses, and it’s like it’s dragged out of him, voice hoarse and chest feeling like it’s caving in. “Not - I wasn’t going to say anything anytime soon, but I wanted to be prepared, I -“</p><p>“Oh, Zolf,” Feryn says, quiet. Zolf hadn’t told him - hadn’t told <em> anyone, </em>because it had been nothing more than a stupid whim that he had entertained, and now it just feels… foolish. “Did you two ever talk about it?”</p><p>Zolf swallows, because remembering hurts. “We, er. Mentioned it in passing, once, but. I wouldn’t have done anything until I knew Hamid wanted it as well, and - I - I guess neither of us. Do. Really. At least, not anymore.”</p><p>Feryn sighs. “Do you? Not want it anymore?”</p><p>“I…” Zolf starts, and doesn’t know how to finish the sentence. Last night, he would have said absolutely, but now, with some time in between himself and the fight, it’s… it’s harder to say. “I don’t know.”</p><p>“This too will pass, mate,” Feryn says, clapping him on the shoulder. “Get some time to get your thoughts in order, and then you two can talk. When you’re ready.”</p><p>“...Can I stay here?” Zolf asks. He twiddles his thumbs in anxiety. “Just - not for long, I’ll - I’ll start looking for my own place again, I don’t need to - I don’t want to -”</p><p>“<em> Gods </em> , Zolf,” Feryn says with a sigh, and pulls him into a tight hug. “Of <em> course </em> you can stay here. For as long as you want.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. forever after you will be my home</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>this is it!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Zolf can’t do this. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He feels like he’s going to throw up, bent over the sink as he tries to breathe, tries to wash away the taste of Hamid on his lips, the feel of Hamid in his arms. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He knows that Cel and Barnes won’t mind him hiding away in the guest room - he heads there instead of the bathroom, because he just needs a few minutes of </span>
  <em>
    <span>nothing, </span>
  </em>
  <span>of freaking out alone over this, and then he can act like nothing is wrong again. Like he and Hamid are happy, like the kiss was normal and good, </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Gods</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Sasha was right, of </span>
  <em>
    <span>course </span>
  </em>
  <span>she was, and Zolf can’t last for a few more hours of this farce, not even for their friends, not even for Hamid. He leaves the en-suite, pacing around the room as he tries to build up the courage to tell Hamid he can’t do this anymore. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Maybe they should just leave. Hamid had - snarkily, of course - said that they could pretend to be sick. Maybe Zolf should. He could say he’s tired from the shift, could ask Hamid that they leave, since they’ve already done more than enough, and everyone can make their jokes and then Zolf can put this entire thing behind him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There’s a knock on the bedroom door, and then a quiet, ever-so-timid, “Zolf?” coming from the hallway. “Can I come in?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gods. Of everyone, Hamid is the </span>
  <em>
    <span>last person </span>
  </em>
  <span>that Zolf wants to see him like this. He hesitates a moment, tempted to pretend like he isn’t there, but if Hamid had followed him out after the kiss, then it’s pointless acting like he’s anywhere else.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>So, he opens the door. Hamid looks just as wrecked as he feels, and Zolf knows he doesn’t look good either. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can I -“ Hamid starts, again, and Zolf steps to the side.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, sure, er - we - we need to talk, I think,” he says, and Hamid nods.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He closes the door behind him, and the sounds of the party fade into almost nothing, a slow song playing on the radio that Zolf can only barely hear. He’s more focused on Hamid, stood in front of him, still looking freshly kissed, wringing his hands together as he looks anywhere but at Zolf. The space between them feels even larger than it did before, a chasm that Zolf desperately wishes he knew how to cross. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We can’t keep doing this,” Zolf says, instead of anything else.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know if we should -” Hamid says, at the same time, and both of them freeze up, staring at the other. He gestures for Zolf to go ahead, and Zolf takes a steadying breath. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can’t... </span>
  <em>
    <span>do </span>
  </em>
  <span>this anymore, Hamid,” Zolf says. “I know I promised, I know I said I could handle it, but. I just - I can’t go back out there in front of our friends and... </span>
  <em>
    <span>pretend</span>
  </em>
  <span> anymore. It’s - it’s not fair, to them or to </span>
  <em>
    <span>us. </span>
  </em>
  <span>And I just - I can’t, Hamid. I really can’t.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The silence stretches, feeling like an eternity, and Zolf stands there and stares at Hamid, looking out the window with an unreadable look on his face. It’s just like the night they fought, so similar that he almost feels sick with it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well?” he says, hating how quiet Hamid is, how it feels like he’s the only one completely going </span>
  <em>
    <span>spare </span>
  </em>
  <span>over having to do this. “Say </span>
  <em>
    <span>something, </span>
  </em>
  <span>I -“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re right,” Hamid says, and his voice cracks. While he still doesn’t look at Zolf, there are tears shining in his eyes, and the mask is off, completely gone for the first time this evening. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m - what?” Zolf says. He’d been expecting another fight, waiting for Hamid to lecture him for not being able to play the part, and this is… not what he thought he was going to have to respond to. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I shouldn’t - it was… inconsiderate of me, asking you to pretend like this, it -“ Hamid cuts himself off, muscle jumping in his jaw as he takes a shuddering breath. “It was selfish of me, and - and I know it’s hurting you, and I’m sorry about that, and I - I -”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then we tell them,” Zolf says. “It’s not fair to them, either.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hamid opens his eyes, and there’s something endlessly sad in his eyes as he finally looks at Zolf. His mouth works for a second, and another tear slips down his cheek as he sits heavily on the edge of the bed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t want to,” he whispers, wrapping his arms around his midsection. “Not - not because I don’t - I mean, I don’t like lying to our friends. But it - if we tell everyone, it makes it… real.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“...What do you mean?” Zolf asks, and almost joins Hamid on the bed. Hamid presses his lips together, and his hands tremble as he clenches them into fists in his lap. He takes a breath to steady himself, and looks away from Zolf again, staring almost unseeing at the wall. Almost like he’s ashamed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I wasn’t being… entirely honest, when I asked you to pretend that we were still together,” Hamid says, and it’s so quiet that Zolf almost misses it. “I - I thought - I - er, it doesn’t. Matter now, I don’t think.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hamid,” Zolf starts, and then realises he doesn’t know what to say after that. There’s something building in his chest, something he can’t pinpoint yet, but it almost feels like… hope.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hamid stands, turning his back to Zolf for a moment and then half turning so that Zolf can only see him in profile. “I miss you,” he confesses, and wipes a finger under his eyes, collecting the tears that are starting to fall. “I - I’m </span>
  <em>
    <span>so</span>
  </em>
  <span> sorry, Zolf, this was - I should never have asked you, I was so </span>
  <em>
    <span>selfish, </span>
  </em>
  <span>I - I know you didn’t want to do this, and you still said </span>
  <em>
    <span>yes, </span>
  </em>
  <span>and I thought - I thought -“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why was it </span>
  <em>
    <span>selfish?” </span>
  </em>
  <span>Zolf asks, and Hamid turns to face him fully, and there’s a broken smile on his face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Because I don’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>want</span>
  </em>
  <span> to break up with you,” Hamid admits. Zolf takes a step forward but Hamid retreats, holding a single hand up, and that movement breaks Zolf’s heart almost more than anything else did. “But you just - you’re never </span>
  <em>
    <span>here </span>
  </em>
  <span>anymore, and I was so busy, and it just seemed like you didn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>care </span>
  </em>
  <span>except to yell at me about it. And I - I know I was rash, and that we should have </span>
  <em>
    <span>talked</span>
  </em>
  <span>, but I don’t - I don’t know how to </span>
  <em>
    <span>fix </span>
  </em>
  <span>it. I’m still - I thought that we could. We could </span>
  <em>
    <span>pretend, </span>
  </em>
  <span>tonight, and then I could accept that we were - that I’d - that we wouldn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>be </span>
  </em>
  <span>this anymore, but -“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But you wanted a last night together,” Zolf finishes for him, and Hamid sniffles, wiping the tears away from where they’ve slipped down his cheeks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know it’s silly,” he murmurs, and a small, sad smile makes its way onto his face as he looks at Zolf. “I’m sorry, I never should have asked.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Zolf shakes his head. “No, I - Hamid, I could have said no. I - I wanted a last night too, it’s - I hated how we left things that night, but I just - Gods, Hamid, I don’t want to break up with you </span>
  <em>
    <span>either.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh,” Hamid says, and his voice cracks again as he finally comes closer and nearly throws himself into Zolf’s arms. Zolf catches him and wraps his arms around his back, Hamid a solid, shaking presence in his grip. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It feels like the universe has slotted into place again, and Zolf lets himself stumble backward until his knees hit the bed and they fall back onto it. Hamid is still crying into his neck, and Zolf rubs his back, comforting him the best way he knows how. Eventually, he sits up, and Hamid sits next to him; neither of them go far, and Hamid ends up swinging around until his legs are resting horizontally across Zolf’s thighs, staring up at him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hamid leans forward, resting his forehead against Zolf’s. “I’m so sorry, Zolf, I - I hated fighting with you like that. I said… some unforgivable things. Truly.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Zolf lets one of his hands trail back until it’s sitting comfortably in Hamid’s hair. “We both did. And I’m sorry, too.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“... I don't mean to choose my family over you,” Hamid says quietly, and Zolf’s hand stills where it’s gone to rubbing circles on his back. “I really don’t, honest, I just… it’s hard to say no to them, sometimes, and ever since Saleh had to go back to rehab, everything’s fallen onto me and Saira to handle, and - I’m sorry, I should have told you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We </span>
  <em>
    <span>need </span>
  </em>
  <span>to talk about things, Hamid,” Zolf says. “Even if it’s uncomfortable. Otherwise, things will just… fester.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hamid takes a shuddering breath. “That </span>
  <em>
    <span>has </span>
  </em>
  <span>to go for you too, then, I - I know that you’ve been working longer hours, and that’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>fine, </span>
  </em>
  <span>but - it feels. It </span>
  <em>
    <span>felt </span>
  </em>
  <span>like. Like you didn’t want to be around me, anymore.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry,” Zolf says. “That’s not - we were short staffed, and I never knew when you were going to be home. It’s… hard to say no, when they schedule me for extra shifts. But I </span>
  <em>
    <span>should </span>
  </em>
  <span>have just explained that to you, instead of. Shutting you out.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you,” Hamid says, and pulls back a bit as he looks up at Zolf. “Where do we go from here?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Zolf wipes away the tears that are still sliding down Hamid’s cheeks. “... I don't know,” he answers honestly. “I can’t just… forget the fight.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hamid nods. “I can’t, either, but… I think… I don’t - I don’t want to break up with you? It sounds… I don’t know. Silly, I suppose. But I don’t, I - I want to get past this. If - if you really want that, too.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think we should… start small,” Zolf says, and Hamid leans against his shoulder, taking Zolf’s hand into his own as he plays with his fingers. “I still love you, yeah? That didn’t - that won’t… go away. Anytime soon. Er. Not even if I wanted it to, I don’t think.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you, too,” Hamid says, quietly. “Still.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Zolf breathes out, shaky, and rests his head on Hamid’s. They sit there in the silence together for a while; the conversation isn’t over yet, and they have much more to talk about. Boundaries to build, apologies to be had. But for now, they can just sit and watch the snow slowly falling outside the window. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can I -“ Hamid starts, sounding hesitant. “Can I kiss you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Zolf’s mouth opens and closes for a second, and Hamid immediately backtracks, holding his hands up in front of him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I mean! I know you said start small, but you - you look </span>
  <em>
    <span>very </span>
  </em>
  <span>handsome tonight, and the kiss under the mistletoe was - it felt </span>
  <em>
    <span>wrong, </span>
  </em>
  <span>and you looked so </span>
  <em>
    <span>sad, </span>
  </em>
  <span>and you can of course say no if you want, but -“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Zolf cuts him off before he can finish, tilting his chin up and pressing their lips together. Hamid’s mouth had been open, which is a bit awkward, but he responds enthusiastically, wrapping his arms around Zolf’s neck and pulling him in. His hands roam through Zolf’s hair as he gasps, and his cheeks are wet against Zolf’s face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hamid pulls away after a moment, breathing heavily. “Gods,” he says, cupping his hands around Zolf’s cheeks. “I missed you. So much.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I missed you, too,” Zolf breathes, and pulls him back into the kiss, wrapping his arms around Hamid’s back while Hamid’s hands travel around and play with his hair. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Someone bangs on the door, and Zolf and Hamid break apart.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on, you two!” they hear Cel’s voice muffled through the door. “We’ve got something to show you all, and it’s going to be a </span>
  <em>
    <span>blast!”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, okay!” Zolf calls back, and Hamid laughs, pressing his forehead against his chin. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you think it’s literally going to be a blast?” Hamid asks quietly, and Zolf stares at him for a second.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, gods,” he realises. “Absolutely.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Someone bangs on the door again and Zolf rolls his eyes. “Alright! We know!”  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Zolf… can we talk more? After the party, I mean? I think - I think it would be good,” Hamid says, and Zolf nods, taking his hand and pressing a kiss to his knuckles.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I think we should,” he says. Hamid beams up at him, still a little watery, and Zolf wipes his tears away again. “If anyone asks, say it was your allergies.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“... I don’t have allergies,” Hamid says, and Zolf nudges him with his shoulder.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>They</span>
  </em>
  <span> don’t know that,” he reminds Hamid, who laughs.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They open the door and everyone is stood there, watching them with poorly disguised humour in their eyes. Except Sasha, who’s giving Zolf a very curious and concerned look, probably due to him being locked up in a room with Hamid, and also how red Hamid’s eyes are. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cel takes the whole thing in stride, giving Zolf a knowing wink as they wrap an arm around Hamid’s shoulders. “Finally, you two! We didn’t want to get started without the both of you here. Now! On to the show!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Zolf follows behind more slowly. Sasha does the same, appearing next to him silently.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Everything okay, boss?” she asks, and Zolf watches as Hamid’s led away by the rest of them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, Sasha,” Zolf says, smiling a bit. Hamid turns around, clearly silently asking him for help, and Zolf starts to walk after him. He isn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>going</span>
  </em>
  <span> to help, of course, because it’s fun to watch Hamid give as good as he gets when everyone starts taking the mickey out of him, but he’ll step in if it ever goes too far. “Everything’s good.”</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>thanks for hanging along for the ride i hope y'all enjoyed now to go back to writing my celbarnes [redacted] fic have fun! </p><p>comments again are super appreciated &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>you can pry riverbank from my cold dead hands /hj</p><p>will be putting up a chapter (hopefully) every day! it’s nearly complete, just the last bit to write now.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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